CLOSE DOOR
the door close buttons in my building’s elevators work. their deployment is helpful in some frustrating instances: often someone will get on the elevator, push 7, and get out on 4; or, they get on, push both 4 and 7, and then get out on 4. why people do this, you’re not sure. however, you know a useless stop is coming up—you’re going to stop on 7, the person who wanted 7 is already gone, and then you’ll continue up to where ever you’re going. as the scene opens on 7, you push DOOR CLOSE, and the doors will close again with no pause. those five seconds you’ve just reclaimed from the world, they make you feel good.
it has become folk wisdom that the door close button is connected to nothing. “it’s to make you feel better.” the wisdom gets passed around like there’s a conspiracy, and a scientific study of electromagnetic pulses from elevators has concluded: you are being duped.
this folk wisdom is appealing because it’s cynical, and there’s a bias to assume that a cynical anecdote is correct. however, while cynicism is often revelatory, it is no substitute for empiricism.
the next building over from me—it is true, their brand of elevators seems to have non-functioning DOOR CLOSE buttons. i’ve tried them, and i get nothing. are they connected to nothing, bare wires hanging into space, or is there a control system that has inappropriate calibration parameters plugged into it? or is the elevator possessed by satan? one of the three.
if you want to get an idea going, a meme as they say, make it cynical and it’s got ten times the chance as before.
you can also win an argument by drilling straight for cynicism. tired of talking about iraq? the next time it comes up, just say, you know what they say, the rich always dominate the poor and it’s never going to be any different. it might have nothing so much to do with iraq, but people will hear the cynical diamond at the center of it and say, you’re right.
i was trying to think of a name for this rhetorical strategy—sort of akin to an ad hominem argument. i came up with ad captium, but i don’t remember exactly what my justification was.
listen for it. your homework is to spot 3 ad captium arguments in the wild. good luck.